Damn it

Why do i keep coming back here every time?

Broken

That's just and always how i feel...

When will you all realize it?

Flashforwards EP 2

Do you experience this too?

Well, i had another flashforward.

This one is a bit too...

PG 18?

Yeah...

Quite a disturbing future if i were to experience it.

Reduxion

Fights

What about me?

First and foremost, let me say sorry if you feel this is directed towards you. But i assure you, i mean no harm and i don't intend on hurting anybody's feelings.

Ok.

So, well, my friends are fighting.

I'm caught in the middle.

Again.

First fight finished.

Now, another.

Have you guys ever thought about me?

What about my needs?

Can't you see it affects me too?

Honestly, i love my friends and i treasure them dearly.

Then, sometimes, you guys are just a pain in the neck and i really want you all to shut up.

I'm not really a good friend you know.

Don't let yourself be close to me.

I don't mean to be like this but i am.

This is part of me.

I'm sorry.

But i will only end up hurting you guys some day.

Damn it!

I won't ever let anybody into my life again.

I refuse to let anything or anyone bound me.

Right now, only him remains.

I'm not referring to Goldfish-kun.

I'm referring to the person above all else. (To me that is)

And i hope he knows he's the only thing keeping me here.

Keeping me alive.

Keeping me smile.

Keeping me happy.

Keeping me contented.

That's all.

Have some religious issues to talk about but i guess i'll type it out next time.

Reduxion.

Saddistic?

Am I?

Well....

I am.

Redux.

Holidays

Sometimes...

Holidays aren't fun...

Sometimes...

I hate them...

Most of the time...

I wish you were here with me...

Reduxion.

A Lullaby For You

Short & Sweet

Cut to the chase...

Why does everything have to be so complicated?

Or is it simple but i'm making it complicated coz i can't accept the fact that it's that simple?

Honestly, what do you think of life?

To me, well, it has no meaning.

It's a routine.

I was programmed to continue on with this.

When...

When will I be happy?

I can't wait till death.

Coz they say i will live a long "happy" life.

"Happiness"

That word lingers in my empty mind.

Oh, woe is me. D:

Reduxion.

Shut up.

Just shut it ok!

Damn it!

I'm suppose to be happy today!

Why did everything go wrong at the last minute?!?

I know my problem...

I know the advice...

I have the "how"...

I have the "who"...

But i don't have the "why"...

And up until now i still don't know.

And if there's no "why", there is no "how" or "who"!

Then what is it?!?

What is my problem?!?

Why do i keep repeating my mistakes?!?

If failing is part of success then why have i not succeeded??

Why do i keep going back to step 1??

Why is it that i forget myself when i'm with you?

Why do i forget all my problems when i talk to you?

Why does my tongue slip when i tell you something?

Why can't i be happy?

Why can't people let me be happy?

If for every question there's an answer...

Then answer mine...

Coz i can't find it...

And i need help...

But most of you don't know how to...

Reduxion.

D=

Pffft...

Aww c'mon!

I just got insulted! D:

By guess who!!

...

...

...

My dad...

It stings a little i guess...

But i'm used to all this now.

What else can i do?

If i defend myself, i'm basically shortening my life span. (Which is kinda bad in a way. xD)

Happens to everyone i think.

Haha...

Yeah...

Now you know why i have a split personality!

I don't even open my mouth at home unless i need to eat or drink. =O

-nods-

In school well, total opposite. O.o

-sighs-

Btw, Goldfish-kun...

Thank you.

For making me smile lots today...

Reduxion.

Happiness.

It is a choice.

I've chosen to be happy.

And yes, i do smile more often.

But

i can't help but feel sad on the inside.

Feel like...

There's something missing in my life.

I wonder...

What it is.

Quote Today;

A lawyer i shall be. An artist I am. My fate I control. My road I pave.

Reduxion.

Flashforward.

A dream?

Hey, you've heard of flashbacks right? Well, i have flashforwards. Simple equation; Flashback = past : Flashforward = future. Get it?

On with the story!

(It's kinda cut off)

I said to you, "The sheep is for the innocence, the brown bear is for childhood, the white bear is for friends and the apple is for kindness..."

"On my bed... There they lay. Take them as the only reminiscence of me."

I remember...

My head was spinning. My vision was blurry. I could barely breathe.

I saw 2 people. They were wearing white. I was in the back of an ambulance. The siren was ringing in my ears. I grit my teeth from the pain. It was unbearable. Intolerable.

I was wondering, what was i doing there. I got carried out and into the hospital on a stretcher.

Through the halls i saw a sign.

I was headed for the ER.

I still didn't know why.

Later, i was put under the lights.

The doctor gave me an oxygen mask.

Everything else was a blur...

[Days later]

I was admitted into a ward.

You always visited me. Everyday.

You came only after my parents leave.

Then, one day, the doctor came in just when my parents had left.

But you were there.

The doctor proceeded to telling you my condition.

I pretended to be asleep.

I heard the doctor tell you, "I'm sorry... I'm afraid there's no hope for her now. Her condition is terminal. She was admitted to the hospital a little too late."

I opened my eyes. They looked at me.

I told the doctor not to tell my parents.

He said that he'd have to sooner or later.

Then, you sank down into a chair.

Your face was buried in you hands.

I smiled when the doctor told me i was going to die.

That was the only thing i could do.

I looked at you.

I tried to get out of bed with the doctor's help.

I knelt in front of you, hugged you, and said, "There was nothing you or anyone else could've done to stop this."

I asked the doctor how long i had left.

A week he replies solemnly.

[The following week]

You MC-ed from work just so you could stay visit me.

You would tell me jokes to cheer me up.

Let me play your PSP, even.

You'd just make sure i had somebody to talk to.

Then, 1 night, you fell asleep on my bedside.

I woke up in the middle of the night and i saw you.

I cried silent tears.

I stroked your head.

And went back to sleep.

[Final day]

At last, it was my last day. My condition was at it's worse.

My family and some of my friends came to visit. Including you.

I asked everybody to wait outside but you.

I had to tell you something important.

I held your hand and i said,

"I'm glad to have had you for a friend..."

Then, my heart stopped beating.

You stared back in disbelief.

You shouted for my family and doctors to come in.

My parents rushed in crying.

My friends didn't know how to react.

The doctors frantically tried to save me even though they knew i couldn't be saved.

And you...

You leaned against the wall.

[My funeral]

You didn't come to my funeral.

Everybody else was there.

My friends, my family.

The people who knew me.

Well, everybody but you that is.

You were at home.

You couldn't bear the fact that i was gone for good.

You stared at the ceiling for hours.

Just thinking and wishing it weren't real.

After the whole ceremony, i was buried deep in the ground.

[Days after]

Everyday after, you came to visit my grave.

You would talk to me as if i were still alive.

As if i were in front of you that very minute.

And i watched you from above.

I cried seeing you there.

I also saw you cry 1 day, while you were visiting my grave.

You said, "I will never ever forget you. Thank you for being my friend too."

[The next day]

My parents were clearing out my stuff.

You came.

(Remember the sheep, bears and the apple?)

You were going to pay your respects.

Then, you saw in one box marked "Her belongings".

You peered into it.

You saw my plush toys.

An apple, a brown bear, a white bear and a sheep.

You asked whether you could keep them.

My parents were speechless at first.

But miraculously they said yes.

[That night]

That same day, at night, you were sitting at your desk.

Looking at my toys.

You felt this enormous amount of sadness from within.

You began to tear-up.

You stood up and looked out your window.

I couldn't bear to see you like that.

And for a short moment i appeared in front of you.

I gave you 1 last hug and tell you what you've always told me.

"Smile and the world smiles back at you..."

And then i depart to the afterlife.

Since then, i've been watching you from far above.

-END-

So, what do you think?

I think i was dying from kidney failure.

Nope. They didn't have fitting kidneys for me. =P

PS: i might use this for my oral test so no stealing. =X

Reduxion.

Envy.

Did you fall for it?

A hug.

I really need this at times.

Not just from anyone.

From someone.

Someone meaningful to me.

But

It's impossible.

I feel distant most of the time.

I could be the quite type.

But i choose not to.

Because everything is clearer when there is no noise or laughter to distract you.

I don't know what to feel.

I'm happy...

Yet

Sad...

Both at the same time.

Show me that i can open my heart.

Show me what it means to be yourself.

Show me how to love.

Show me how to be loved.

Show me the way into your heart.

And my heart's maze will just be a straight road.

Reduxion.

Lost.

You know, I've been so lost lately that i don't even know what to talk about anymore.

Geez...

Speech Day is this Saturday.

Rehearsal was yesterday and there's another tomorrow.

Talk about a busy week!

Most of the time half of my class is missing!

Well, after this event, i'll be having a session with the school counsellor.

I hope it goes well.

I haven't spoken to her in awhile.

She said that i looked worn out when i talked to her in the canteen the other day.

I wonder if i do.

Naturally, i don't see it.

Oh! Another thing! (This is kinda nice.)

People say i look like Gong Li. xD

Cool right?

I didn't really know who she was actually.

Haha~

Apparently, i only look like so from an angle. >3>

Lolx.

Yeah, i guess that's a good thing eh?

Noxaius.

Counselling?

Gee thanks a whole lot...

Not really sure why i keep ending up here.

I mean, i'd like to talk about my problems but it just won't come out.

I only tell certain people know anyway.

Don't mean to be that way but it's just how i act.

I would usually just keep things to myself.

Right?

Why tell any one else when there's no one who truly knows why or even understands.

Damn it.

I'm gonna end up with anger management issues pretty soon.

-sigh-

Really don't want that to happen.

I'll be on a lot of meds then!

Wonder if i can actually tell the problem i've recently found out about.

It's kind of disturbing.

And by disturbing i also mean discriminative.

C'mon! I mean, like, it even disturbs ME!

Oy~

I'm so screwed.

I'm still trying my best to be positive at all times.

So, i guess i'm still ok...

Gonna have to manipulate some strings during the next appointment...

Reduxion.

Everybody's Fool.

Heard this song before?

Perfect by nature

Icons of self indulgence

Just what we all need

More lies about a world that

Never was and never will be

Have you no shame? Don't you see me?

You know you've got everybody fooled

Look here she comes now

Bow down and stare in wonder

Oh how we love you

No flaws when you're pretending

But now I know she

Never was and never will be

You don't know how you've betrayed me

And somehow you've got everybody fooled

Without the mask, where will you hide?

Can't find yourself lost in your lie

I know the truth now

I know who you are

And I don't love you anymore

It Never was and never will be

You don't know how you've betrayed me

And somehow you've got everybody fooled

It never was and never will be

You're not real and you can't save me

Somehow now you're everybody's fool

Reduxion.

How's Life?

Hi all. I meant to post yesterday but i got lazy... xD

The picture's unrelated btw. O.o

It's suppose to be a waving hand but this one's actually drowning. Eheh. ^^"

Hey! I thought of a new quote. Sort of a reply to the old one; There are no bad teachers, only bad students."

Mine is; "There a no teachers who refuse to teach, only students who refuse to learn."

I thought of this almost immediately. Which is great! Considering the fact that i haven't thought of any meaningful quotes lately. Been kinda caught up in my own problems. -sigh-

But hey! This quote is for Goldfish-kun who, i dunno, feels unappreciated some times.

Cheer up dude!

Things are supposedly getting better.

I'm smiling more now.

(You know it's fake right? The smile i mean.)

Can't let things get out of hand.

There's no more me emo-ing in school now.

Save it for my cold lonely nights.

Ha ha.

I can't risk it...

Did i mention?

I might be shipped off to Canada.

Not that i dislike Canada or geese or anything...

I feel torn again.

I can't decide whether to leave or not.

All i'm waiting for now is the approval letter from Canada.

Goldfish-kun...

'Daddy'...

Reduxion.

Toccata & Fugue

I Knew It.

I was right...

Well, my predictions were spot on.

And i finally asked Ms. R why i didn't get picked.

I knew i didn't need to.

Coz i had that intuition, you know?

But well, some certain friends of mine convinced me to do so.

The reason why i didn't really want to ask is because i knew what was coming.

I was gonna sit through the same lecture again.

And it's the 4th one this year.

They're all the same.

BGR.

I'm not involved in any.

And is it that hard a fact to accept?

Dammit.

If you're not implying that i am in fact in a relationship then why?

Why don't you people trust me to handle myself?

Is it just coz i'm a teen?

I can't handle it?

I'm too immature?

Well, news flash!

It's the 21st century.

There are teens who are sometimes i feel that are more mature than all of you.

If you believe in miracles then why can't you believe in this?

If you believe in your God and trust that he will protect you all and guide you all then why is it that i can't enjoy my day for once without having to worry about you people giving us a bad name?

You are all hypocrites.

C'mon, even Mdm S agrees with me.

And today, Goldfish-kun even asked me why i'm always sad.

And the only reason i could come up with was that i'm not.

Truthfully, i don't know why either.

I know i don't have to be.

But again it seems as if i owe the universe my life.

I just wish there was somebody else whom i trust wholesomely to confide in.

I wish he knew.

Right now, i don't think prefecture is worth anything.

Especially not if i have to choose between friends and future.

And though, i've been told that it's ok and i can still talk and be a prefect i seriously don't think i can lie and not break down once for the next 3 years.

And when i do break down, this time nobody can save me...

Reduxion.

One Exception.

You are the only exception.

This song is so awesome right?? xD

Ha ha!

Speaks out to a lot of people out here.

Particularly my goldfish-kun. =3

Nya~~~

Actually, today i was kind of in a bad mood.

But i'm getting a grip on myself and doing a better job at hiding my feelings now.

It's amazing what a simple smile can do.

I think i know the reason why my probationary period extended for another 6 months.

Worst part is, i'm afraid that i'm right this time.

Because if i am,

I have to choose between my friendship and my future.

I'd obviously pick friendship but what's gonna happen if i tell my parents or anybody else for that matter?

I cannot afford to lose anything.

You know, i have only my friends keeping me here. (including goldfish-kun)

If i didn't...

I might as well just go to Canada.

Or

just put an end to everything.

Of course it'll affect everybody that i've known.

But who cares?

They'll get over it anyway.

They won't dwell over it.

They'll find a better human being and a better friend or family member.

So, i'm wondering.

If i'm going to be forgotten either way, what's there to live for?

Even death does not scare me.

It's just the pain.

I wish...

That my life was just a dream.

I could then just wake up anytime i had a nightmare.

I know it'll never happen though.

So what's my purpose?

Don't tell me God has a purpose for everyone.

Coz if he's not helping me or guiding me back to the right road now, he ain't gonna do it.

It's time to wake up.

I'm an idiot living in a make-believe world.

Wake up and face reality.

Breathing only suffocates me.

Seeing only blinds me.

Hearing only deafens me.

Believing only shatters my hope.

Hoping only destroys my belief.

Truth stabs my heart.

My heart isn't agreeing with my mind.

My mind is arguing with my heart.

My actions contradict with my feelings.

My feelings interfere with my judgement.

But I...

Just keep on smiling even when i die a little inside everyday that i'm alive.

Reduxion.